A Tribute to Assholes.

I am pissed off. So, I thought for this post I'd rant about those people, dear to all of our hearts, that we love to an extent we can only refer to them as assholes. Let's go through the basics: the boss, the telemarketer, and good old Dad.

Dearest Rick, (my boss)
Give me my money. I have worked for your business for two years. In the time of my employment, you have gone through countless numbers of employees, good and bad, all who for the most part quit because they could not deal with your bullshit. But, no. I remained miserable and loyal to you. Eventually you noticed my work ethic and gave me a 50 cent raise. This happened in the first month that I was working for you, and the past year and a half I have been paid 8.50 an hour. Needless to say I'm broke. I am thankful for you for allowing me to work during my school breaks without question. However, this summer it appears that things have changed. Not only is your presence minimal, which is not necessarily a bad thing, because you are opening a second Fun Factor. You seemed to have hired every highschool student who applied in the past year and we are so overstaffed that I've been given about an hour a week. I could deal with this. I got another job and have been making more money, however the slim hours that I have worked should still be followed by a slim paycheck. I would rather have a slim paycheck then no paycheck. Stop telling me the check is in the mail. I want my money, stop jipping me you cheap fuck. Thanks!

Dearest Telemarketer,
I'll make this one short and sweet. Do not call me at 8 AM. If I don't answer, feel free to leave me a message, then don't call me again. If I want to talk to you, I'll return your call. If I do pick up one of the 17 times you call, say something. If I answer on the 18th time and tell you I do not want your product, say okay and hang up. I would usually hang up on you. But, you are a special telemarketer. You're from an informercial company that I bought a product through and you have my card number. If I just hang up my card will get charged whether I want it to or not. So, I have to tell you about 36 times that I do not want your product or to be transferred to someone else to hear about the product. Did you not learn in school that no means no? Once again, fuck off you little money sucking grub.

and for my finale...

Dearest Father,
You can make me sad. You can make me angry. You can make me cry. There's one thing that you can't do, however. Don't mess with my Mama. You make my Mama cry, there's a problem. You ignore her, you go get your drink on (and you worry that I'm an alcoholic), you yell at her and make her cry, then leave her by herself outside to go watch tv. Then you have the gaul to talk to her like nothing just happened. That is my mother and your wife and you have no right to treat her like a piece of shit and think that you're high and mighty. I love you. You're my dad and normally we don't have too many problems. I don't know why tonight you decided to make a problem out of every single comment made. Out to dinner, causing a scene and awkward silences at every moment, talking shit about my sister who wasn't even there. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with you tonight, but I frankly don't care. I don't care what's wrong. You have no right to treat your family like you're running a dictatorship. I can't get into details right now without getting so angry I'll throw something at your head from across the room. You are your smug little grin watching shitty tv while mom and I sit here in silence. I hope you're pleased with this tension. I'll be leaving to make smores and I'll be at a concert tomorrow so hopefully the next time I see you, this will have blown over until the next time you decide to be a douche.

To all assholes in general,
What is your problem? Is it that hard to just go with the flow like everyone else? Can't you just have a conversation without interrupting everyone? You're not high and mighty. In face, you're lower than everyone else because everyone wants to kick you in the face. However, we are not assholes, so we can practice some refrain. We can think before we speak. We can ignore dumb comments without making fun of anyone. We can make situations bearable in order to maintain the peace. You should take notes of the people around you and take notice on how other people maintain the order.

To all assholes or just curious readers,
this has been a tortoise tale.